by For the past few weeks, I have been writing about the slumping Mets with increasing concern. What started out as a “they’re better than this” became “I’m sure they’re better than this” and then “I really hope they’re better than this” until most recently “Man, I really thought they were better than this. They still can be, right?” After weeks of watching the team lose in basically the same way, night after night, this season has turned into Groudhog Day (the movie, not the actual day). Even Mets announcer Gary Cohen reached such a point of frustration this past week that he felt compelled to say, “You think the Mets offense has reached a bottom, and then they keep establishing a new bottom.” The point is, when a team keeps losing it’s challenging to find new ways to explain it, spin it, make fun of it, and commiserate; so I’ve invited a couple familiar friends to offer their thoughts: Mel and Ed.
In case you don’t remember, these two Mets fans can best be summarized as the consistently cynical, “sky is always falling” fan (Mel) and the unendingly optimistic, “they’re just one good player away” fan (Ed). Here’s what they had to say…
Mel: I’m not going to say it.
Ed: Then don’t.
M: Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning on it.
E: Good.
M: I was definitely not going to say I told you so.
E: I’m glad you didn’t.
M: They should trade everybody. Trade the whole team. Wipe the slate clean and start over.
E: Trade for what?
M: Younger, better players. I don’t want to see Reyes, or Bruce, or any of the rest of these guys anymore. They’re just not good. They should’ve signed Cespedes when they had the chance?
E: They did sign Cespedes.
M: Are you sure? I haven’t seen him.
E: He’s hurt.
M: Of course. Signing him was dumb. They should trade him too.
E: What about deGrom and Syndergaard?
M: Trade them to the Yankees for their whole minor leagues.
E: I don’t think it works like that. I can’t think of any team that will be willing to give the Mets back what they deserve for these two guys.
M: We’re wasting deGrom right now, we might as well get something out of it.
E: At least he gives us a legitimate All-Star.
M: Oh good, maybe the best hitters in the NL can score some runs for him.
E: Maybe we’ll get a Cy Young Award out of it.
M: Great, that and $2.75 will get me a ride on the train. I’m sick of waking up every morning and asking myself, “Is this the day they get no-hit?”
E: What about Nimmo? He’s been a nice surprise, even hit a big home run today.
M: For a guy who is supposed to be good at getting on base, that goofball sure strikes out a lot.
E: Can’t you name something positive you’ve seen with this team recently?
M: Hmm…oh yeah, I got something. I liked that video of Terry Collins yelling at that umpire about Chase Utley. That was fun. I miss that guy.
E: Well, that’s not exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it. I thought Neil Walker did a good job of being a team leader in that video too, especially in David Wright’s absence. It’s a shame Wright couldn’t have been out there for that.
M: Eh, he probably wouldn’t have gotten hurt talking to the umpire.
E: Other than trading the whole team, what can they do to get out of this?
M: Steroids?
E: No.
M: Fire all the coaches.
E: No.
M: I think we’re at the point in the season where they bring in a talking dog who can hit.
E: It’s doubtful.
M: Who am I kidding, he’d probably pull a hamstring. Dogs have hamstrings, right?
E: They do.
M: Oh, what about they get a kid owner who runs the team even though he doesn’t really know what he’s doing? Wait a minute, they might already have that.
E: Zing.
M: Or maybe they can pick up a mysterious outfielder with a magic bat?
E: Like The Natural?
M: Yeah, exactly. Instead they’ll probably just hire that “Losing is a disease” guy who tried to hypnotize the team into winning.
E: Whatever works, right?
M: Losing is a disease…
E: They’re better than this.
M: Losing is a disease…
E: Jay Bruce is not a .210 hitter. He’ll break out and the team will instantly be much better. Blevins too.
M: As contagious as polio…
E: Their starting pitching is performing close to expectations.
M: Losing is a disease…
E: They’re just in a prolonged slump. It can’t stay like this, it just can’t.
M: As contagious as syphilis.
E: They’re going to get Cespedes back and he’s going to be good.
M: Losing is a disease…
E: I think Conforto is breaking out of his slump. I read that the coaches saw an issue with his swing and they’re working on it with him.
M: As contagious as bubonic plague.
E: Bubonic plague? What even is that?
M: Attacking one, but infecting all.
E: So you think they should just trade everybody?
M: Ah, but curable.
E: Listen, I know it’s been awful. I know that at times they look like they’re never going to win again, or even score again. And I also know that while ridiculous things happen to this team, incredible things happen too. Do you remember 1969? What about 1973? Or what about Game 6 of the ’86 series? Don’t you remember those?
M: I don’t even remember where I put my car keys.
E: I know the Braves have been better than expected, but they haven’t been running away with the division. And the Nationals have been underperforming a little, and I think the Phillies already burnt out. This division is there for the taking. This season is not over.
M: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
E: The phrase is “Ya gotta believe” not “Ya gotta believe, but only if they give you good reason why”. And until this team is mathematically eliminated, I’m going to continue expecting them to turn this around. They’ve got more winning streaks in them, I believe it.
M: Here, take this.
E: $2.75?
M: You might need it.
